stargazerlily

or, am I gay enough for you?

Last night, M and I had dinner at the Bulldog NE where my dear e.e. is now head chef. It was a noisy, crowded place to be on a Friday night. e.e. never made it out of the kitchen to say hi, not that I expected him to do so. It was weird for me to be surrounded by that many strangers, many of whom were loud and obnoxious. Our waiter was extra friendly and sweet; he was clearly relieved to find some nice lesbians to talk to in that see of heteronormitivity. As we were finishing our meal, he asked if we had been to Pi yet and strongly recommended we go.

We hadn't been to Pi. I had seen it advertised, and redcrossjenny had sent me a link to their myspace page ,and I was intrigued. Gayboywaiter said it was fun and "full of hot lesbians". His indications of where it was located were entirely wrong, but we found it, tucked back in an industrial corner of Seward.

It was... eh. We had a couple of drinks, shot some pool, watched people, but the space was big and cold-feeling and yet stuffy. We knew no one. Now, bear in mind that it was only around 9 0'clock when we arrived, and 10 when we left, but still-- most bars I've been to in minneapolis have a decent crowd going by 9:30. There was no one there we knew, and the music was an awkward mix of oldies and 1980s pop songs (not even danceable ones).

so we left, tired and unimpressed. and I was left wondering, why don't I fit in in these places. The only lesbian bar I've ever felt at home in, really, was Cicip ciciap, in Milan -- a one-night-a-week speakeasy where I talked in broken French with an Italian girl named Claudia about gay rights in our respective countries and was introduced to all the regulars by the proprietrix. I was a stranger, a foreigner, and I was welcomed and embraced. M and I have had a good time at JetSet, a warehouse district loungy bar, more boy than girl-friendly, but otherwise, nothing. I felt at Pi the way I used to feel at the old Cafe Wyrd -- just not gay enough and not a part of the scene.

I wonder sometimes, where is the fun group of dykes that I'm supposed to have as friends? Yeah, I have the wonderful fence007 and dorkyfaerie around, who are lovely in their own right, but we don't see one another that often. I knew lots of young folks when I worked at District202, but those were youth, not friends; we weren't supposed to acknowledge one aother on the street, and they weren't supposed to be my friends, anyway, even if I was only a year or two older than most of them. M and I have a few queer friends whom we see at gamenights or at birthdays.

Honestly, I don't really think I've ever felt like a part of the "LGBTQ community". I'm a part of other communities -- my church, my work, other Waldorf teachers I met in training or summer intensives, friends from my childhood whom I see now and then, my family, internet folks, a tiny corner of fandom -- and I feel at home in a lot of places. None of them, though, are "queer spaces", and I sometimes wonder if it's better that way. I go to Pride when I'm in town, and I drive a car with a rainbow strip in the window, and I went to Vermont to marry my wife. Does that make me gay enough for your party? i'm not an anarchist, or even a marxist, and I live in the suburbs and have health insurance. i'm out at work. I'm out at church. I feel way more loved, embraced, and accepted there than I felt at Pi last night or at the Dyke March two summers ago.